i don't want soft spoken words of empty comfort right now. i just want to be talked to normally like you're pretending i'm your friend. i want to feel for once like i have friends, not just people who put up with or around me. i want to feel what everyone else has always felt
i don't know what it feels like to have friends that aren't people i coerced into joining my communities because i would be allowed to join anyone else's. every time i mention this people go "oh that's so sad!" then nonchalantly walk away like i'm nuclear power plant waste
and watching everybody else have that online, every one of my mutuals be close-knit through places i'm not allowed in, hurts too much. i envy every single one of those interactions. does that make me toxic? good, less people to disappoint when i kill myself
i don't know how to make new friends anymore. i haven't made new friends or been part of communities since msn messenger. the last big ones i was forced to leave because of rape threats and harassment that went unmoderated. now i have no home on the internet and no friend circle