it took/it's taking a really long time to process that it's ok that i'm so different from everybody else. everyone i know loves competition, in games, in demos/musicmaking etc, and i just abhor it. it causes me great anxiety and pushes me out of neurotypical spaces
it's lonely. it sucks. i can't share most other spaces because everything is competition-focused and i can't do that. but i'm trying to live better on my own & stop paying attention to other people to stop feeling jealous. mostly why i don't listen to a lot of friends' music
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maybe it's not the healthiest way to go about this. but it's what's been keeping me alive without too much trauma and anxiety
