im imagining myself doing what i did before, going out to meetups & concerts. but it was always someone else who approached me. *i* never took the risk, i never initiated anything because yknow why would anyone want me talking to them ew go away fuck off do not bother me. yknow i dont think i ever made progress to begin with. it was just a bandaid on the problem yknow id think "im shit, oh wait my gf loves me i guess im ok". who else do i have in my life????

i feel like an asshole for ever thinking i could be happy or that i might deserve it. and i know i shouldnt write things like that but i mean whats the point of trying to be happy when you realize nobody really cares about you? like it doesnt matter if internet ppl say nice things, in my day to day real world life, theres nobody. i talk to customers at work, i talk to my roommate sometimes if i see him, i visit my parents every other week. what a life.

i was trying to be rational but i wanted to allow myself to feel emotional & now ive swayed too far to that side. im gonna nap & see if i can clear my head but i imagine ill wake up and look at my empty room & be reminded of how empty my life really is & always has been