Emily @nachobra@computerfairi.es

idk maybe im dumb because i dont care enough & dont stay up to date on ppl i dont know saying shitty things, i assume everyone here is following it closely & im just the weirdo

like i feel the same way when this happens on tumblr, like some relatively popular person gets a call out post on tumblr & then it blows up into this big thing & its like; other than the ppl directly involved, who does this effect? were not talking about someone with a vast audience, its some loser on a niche part of the internet, i barely have a care to give ->

not to be problematic but i really dont jive w/ mastodon, its so fragmented & confusing compared to twitter, & when there starts to be cross-instance drama its just weehhhhgvv. like any time someone uses the word "discourse" i just wanna drop my phone & run. :/ thats the "tooth" :/

im a terrible romantic partner bc my idea of fun is hanging out in the same room, maybe watching something together maybe not. i dont like going places or doing things

i hate this feeling like i should be depressed abt something right now but i dont know what. my brains just looking around like "uh youre single, youre gonna die alone! and uh, oh yeah that friend hates you. what else, um, oh dysphoria! is that doing anything for you?"

@squirrel erin plz answer this burning question of mine: i always hear about how the sega master system & genesis still sell like 100,000 units every year in brazil or something like that. why? where are they going? how many master systems do ppl need 30 years later?

if theres one thing ive learned abt relationships, its that you should never be open & vulnerable with anyone because theyll inevitably leave you. i think thats a good piece of advice i think

idk where i fit in even within trans communities, im not a furry, im not a programmer, i dont play the right video games, i dont watch anime, idk whats left

haldo. i always wanna use this more bc i wanna make more tranz friendz but everyone heres always talkin bout programming & i dont know dick about shit. but, here i am,

i dont wanna keep treating this like a fuckin journal i dont wanna talk to anyone i feel weak & pathetic because feeling sad & being vulnerable is weakness i keep trying to be happy & fake it til i make it but i feel like im undoing all the progress ive made wrt mental health whatever i mean just fuck everything forever

ok my heads a little clearer now that the initial shock has worn off. i think im gonna be ok. sorry to use yr fine mastodon instance for venting i just really needed to get that all out

i was trying to be rational but i wanted to allow myself to feel emotional & now ive swayed too far to that side. im gonna nap & see if i can clear my head but i imagine ill wake up and look at my empty room & be reminded of how empty my life really is & always has been

i feel like an asshole for ever thinking i could be happy or that i might deserve it. and i know i shouldnt write things like that but i mean whats the point of trying to be happy when you realize nobody really cares about you? like it doesnt matter if internet ppl say nice things, in my day to day real world life, theres nobody. i talk to customers at work, i talk to my roommate sometimes if i see him, i visit my parents every other week. what a life.

im imagining myself doing what i did before, going out to meetups & concerts. but it was always someone else who approached me. *i* never took the risk, i never initiated anything because yknow why would anyone want me talking to them ew go away fuck off do not bother me. yknow i dont think i ever made progress to begin with. it was just a bandaid on the problem yknow id think "im shit, oh wait my gf loves me i guess im ok". who else do i have in my life????

but what if i CANT ever be loved again? yknow it feels like an accident that i ever found myself in a relationship anyway, yknow how could someone with as little social skills as me actually attract somebody? i thought i had conquered that but in the span of about an hour i just backslid 20 miles all the way to where i started

its tempting to just call myself a stupid unlovable piece of shit who nobody wants around. its so fucking tempting, especially thinking of other trans women who have happy long term relationships, or like, have had more than one fucking relationship in their life because theyre not antisocial dickwadsfhdjd just stop it i do not want to go down that fucking road

gf broke up with me 2day, dont wanna give details but it wasnt anything bad. im just sitting here realizing that i put all my self worth in the hands of one person & now im trying not to fall apart. i dont wanna ring in 2018 by letting depression take hold of my life again, but it just really hurts

and i feel so phony im constantly looking thru my tumblr trying to contextualize it within the "repressed tranz" narrative bc i feel like anyone who knew me beforehand would react like "oh now "she" thinks "shes" trans? im sure shes telling the truth 😒" i feel so disconnected from what i perceive as Real, Legitimate trans women, i dont believe in transtrenders except when it helps to make me feel shitty

most nights i gotta just blast video games & youtube videos to completely overstimulate my brain because i dont want a quiet moment to remember my ugly face