no really, here's catullus 16 in modern vernacular to show you it's basically a youtube comment (warning: it's nsfw, catullus was awful)
(cont'd)
In fact, my poems have real fire and flow,
sure, they're lovey and more than a little sexy -
they'll turn you on, and I don't mean in just horny teenagers,
but in those hairy old dudes that have to chug viagra the rest of the time.
Because you've read about my countless hookups, you think I ain't a man?
I'm gonna facefuck and assfuck you.
CATULLUS, EVERYBODY.
like i said. you can probably find that on youtube in the comment section lmfao