Harp the Wigglytuff @wigglytuffitout@computerfairi.es

@Sapphicgiraffic@snouts.online there's the new hot story idea

person is cursed so that everything they touch turns to titties

they meet their soulmate

who is cursed so that everything they touch turns to teeth

@Sapphicgiraffic@snouts.online OH SHIT CWS I FORGOT FUCK

ok but milk instead of saliva would be kind of awful as well. it's like midas touch but instead now everything tastes also of milk.

burrito... with milk. spaghetti... with milk. salt and vinegar potato chips... with milk. sardines... with milk.

you take a shot of vodka and the milk just curdles

ALAS

@Sapphicgiraffic@snouts.online "come on over babe and lemme titty-gum you"

@Sapphicgiraffic@snouts.online and then ur gf cries because she wants to eat crunchy things but instead of chompers she just has tiny squishy titties

but on the plus side, new and interesting endeavors in giving head,

(i am not actually that sorry) (but i am still somewhat sorry yes.)

i am. So sorry for that last post

@Sapphicgiraffic@snouts.online obviously, to make sure this never happens, we must sacrificially enter into discourse combining both these topics.

so, please consider:

1. suckin on ya gf's titty and the titty bites u back

2. ya gf smile at u and all her teef is tiny titties now

anyway here is this rather lovely article

https://www.bbc.com/news/disability-47064773?fbclid=IwAR1ZovG79E1SY6k0DWQnD7cuFfBSEDJZXtuieRFlfP22JH85Mi7HqWsbTx4

if you play #WoW or #ffxiv or do roleplay in any sort of mmorpg, i would highly recommend this read

it's one of the rare articles from major news media that not only treats roleplay in mmorpgs respectfully, but as a positive thing, highlighting the lasting friendships that can result from them - and how important these can be to disabled folks.

bring tissues tho. you will cry.

@gazimoff SHHHH WE MUST KEEP MY SALT SECRET

yeah it's not exactly the most well hidden secret here lmfao but i figure yelling "suck my diiiiiiiick" over here is preferable to giving the mods more work 😂

oh and then an actual admin came along to say "i think this was a very good and appropriate post here thank you for making it" more or less so

SUCK MY DIIIIIIIIIIIICK, ASSBUCKET

me: posts touching story on ffxiv rper discord about a disabled WoW rper making lasting connections through roleplay and being fondly remembered after his death, as reported in the BBC (it's a fucking good article, i cried buckets)

comment: "this is nice and all but it should have been posted in general chat."

note: not from a mod. from a regular mook. and a regular mook who is new.

so, away from that polite sphere can i just say

OH GO CHOKE ON A CHODE YOU MISERABLY GRUMPYGUTS

and akates?

well.

he remains, as he always has been,

a steadfast vegan.

but feel free to take a cupcake while he finishes reviewing vendor agreements for this outpost's supply of dry goods for the mess hall.

the tale spreads.

everybody looks at the tiny little sith inquisitor and comes to the conclusion that behind the cupcakes and the books is actually someone not to be fucked with lightly. far better to go after somebody who straightforwardly tells you what you're up against, than somebody who has shown he's willing to fight dirty.

unpredictable prey is bad prey. so everyone moves on from eyeing akates's throat.

so akates bows, and cheerfully tells his rival that he will leave them all to finish their meal, and thank you very kindly for the consideration.

some of the guards still retch a little at the smell of barbecue sauce.

the tale gets out, of course. akates was in the right to kill the apprentice, and he also didn't partake of any of the food - so technically, in sith laws, he didn't commit any actionable crime.

but.

there, beautifully presented, is the head of the rival's apprentice that he sent to kill akates.

everyone is quiet.

akates smiles and cheerfully says that he hopes the barbecue sauce recipe was good enough to offset any stringiness. and he is sure rival won't mind this. after all, attacking each other outright is forbidden. akates just sought to do rival a favor by taking care of such a foolhardy apprentice.

and then turn her into dinner!

akates says, that would be very agreeable. he just hopes rival enjoys all of his meal.

(rival very much has.)

there's one last dish. a final course.

he keeps it covered but the guards still say that it needs to be scanned for poison. the rival rolls his eyes a little but doesn't demand anything more once the scans come back clean.

and akates smiles, and sets the silver platter down in front of his rival, and pulls off the cover.

not terribly fancy, but cooked with care and skill. all of the meat, in various cuts, are slathered with this wonderful barbecue sauce.

akates, in his flattery, says this is why their shared master really only gave him more attention, so rival shouldn't take it personally.

by now rival has loosened up enough to laugh at this. and the rival says - you know, you're right. you don't need to die. i can keep you around as my cook when i rise to power.

and akates smiles.

of course the rival thinks it's a trap, and so he makes his staff sample the dishes. nope, nothing's poison. but the trooper who was hesitant totally drops all abandon about it. he starts DIGGING THE FUCK IN, which makes rival quite angry. it's HIS meal! subordinate doesn't get to eat all his side dishes! sheesh!

but it's good enough for the rival to taste. and it's true. the food isn't just good - it's *excellent*.

so the rival sith continues going on and is somewhat surprised when akates ends up at his office doorstep, more or less, alive and unaccompanied by his apprentice.

akates is very full of polite apologies and flattery. he is just so sorry for this inconvenience, and he understands rival's position completely; he really wants nothing more than to be left to his translations, and he will not stand in rival's way, he *assures* everyone. and he brought a dinner as a gesture of this goodwill.

there are, of course, rules and regulations - sith are technically forbidden from killing other sith, but it ends up more like "we know you're going to do it anyway but PLEASE be DISCREET" a lot of the time.

so the rival sends his own apprentice to try and knock akates off, thinking it'll be easy beginner work, and he'll be able to take that proverbial real estate on the block.

typical sithly day-to-day. mondays, am i right?