Harp the Wigglytuff @wigglytuffitout@computerfairi.es

and i guess it's just hard to manage that and the desire to be seen as a whole person, and to be *loved* as a whole person.

i just want to someday be loved for my gestalt entity, for the sum of my parts, not just for one facet.

and i am really tired of the overwhelmingly cishet male gaze that views me as only worth talking to for that one aspect, and the rest of my entire self as wholly expendable and ready to be discarded.

this is aside from how many of these fetishes for fat people seem to depend on those negative connotations. people are into it because of the *shame* of sleeping with someone like me. because someone like me is *slovenly*. because someone like me is *disgusting*. because loving someone who looks like me is inherently *humiliating*.

so stuff like that ends up being so often a roller coaster of beginnings of hope and then me getting smashed right back down again.

i'm sexually attractive, but only if i can play up someone's gluttony and feeder fetish. i'm sexy, but only because they can pretend it's inflation porn and take photoshop to my tits to make them into balloons. i'm wanted, but only for one aspect of myself. and no more.

i realize this is something that a lot of women are far more used to. they've had since middle school to develop how to cope.

but if you're fat, you become invisible and off the market in many respects in daily life.

i still don't know what to do with the idea of potentially being sexually attractive to someone. i REALLY don't know what to do with the idea of being somebody's fetish fulfillment.

i know it varies widely but damn, i feel this.

it is why porn of fat women is such a minefield.

i just want women to be shown as beautiful and desirable *and also be fat*.

instead, i get a lot of specific fetishes. inflation. feeding. so on.

and it's... so easy to feel disrespected by that. if i am nothing more than a fulfillment of a fetish to someone, they have no incentive to relate to me as a human being.

i know as a cishet woman, i get off so lightly compared to many, many, many, many others

but as somebody who is fat

" my 'true' self is going to be constantly caught up in the barbed wire of porn"

caught up in the barbed wire of porn. oof. OOF. that is a PHRASE and a HALF. that CUTS TO THE FUCKING QUICK OF THE MATTER, DOESN'T IT.

an accurate summary of my #spoonie health:

last night i tried to massage a trigger point to get a shoulder in my muscle to release

i succeeded... but

it tensed back up in about 15 minutes, and now my opposite shoulder is thrown completely out of whack because of the effort i had to put in reaching over to try and mash stuff

bring on the prequel memes i guess. http://pa1.narvii.com/6776/dd633f4392546549f7ee33616de0aab8fa7b2689_00.gif

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mrde2_6gKdE *casually bops*

it's time to write more of this utter bullshit nonsense i think

however i would be happy to replace this with the return of the psychic who is in love with my grandfather's ghost, making a reprise.

because listen. that is infinitely more hilarious. *infinitely.*

i am very ready for that side of the family and people being shitbags in the aftermath of my cousin's death to simmer down. maybe in the coming months i can replace that with the drama that seems to be rising once more on the other side of my family.

because the fate of preemie twins after a death, with promises being made and then broken and attempts to drive my aunt into suicide, is some bullshit and i'm ready to be done with it.

i didn't even have to log on to facebook today to receive news of something that made me sublimate straight into rage! our modern world is so efficient!

(not politics, amazingly, but rather extended family shitbaggery continuing in the wake of my cousin's death)

Unfortunately, It's Happening

https://docs.google.com/document/d/120kuAIEuO4R8b2y5CZVIxYlEd2P3wakkuXdBYFL-JsM/edit?usp=sharing

"it" being "this extremely niche splatoon 2 and secret world crossover"

me a few days ago: this is a fun idea but i don't need to write a proper fanfic of it

me today: so now that i've looked on wikipedia enough to niffle around for terms and find a sufficiently cool-sounding bunch, how does "the eight-fold atrament" sound,

called the fuck out by a meme but confident my fursona must remain a bear now

well

i did it

i did a really stupid comic to just really drive home this #splatoon2 and #tsw / #swl / #secretworldlegends crossover

#awjeezhiyajohn #longtimenoseebud #whattheFUCKisdrawingeven

at the very least please appreciate the best npc of all mmorpgs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLLDqfhCuFs

RRRRRRRRRRRRICKYYYYYYYYY

PAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN