relationship stuff dhdjfhdkd
gf broke up with me 2day, dont wanna give details but it wasnt anything bad. im just sitting here realizing that i put all my self worth in the hands of one person & now im trying not to fall apart. i dont wanna ring in 2018 by letting depression take hold of my life again, but it just really hurts
relationship stuff dhdjfhdkd
its tempting to just call myself a stupid unlovable piece of shit who nobody wants around. its so fucking tempting, especially thinking of other trans women who have happy long term relationships, or like, have had more than one fucking relationship in their life because theyre not antisocial dickwadsfhdjd just stop it i do not want to go down that fucking road
relationship stuff dhdjfhdkd
but what if i CANT ever be loved again? yknow it feels like an accident that i ever found myself in a relationship anyway, yknow how could someone with as little social skills as me actually attract somebody? i thought i had conquered that but in the span of about an hour i just backslid 20 miles all the way to where i started
relationship stuff dhdjfhdkd
im imagining myself doing what i did before, going out to meetups & concerts. but it was always someone else who approached me. *i* never took the risk, i never initiated anything because yknow why would anyone want me talking to them ew go away fuck off do not bother me. yknow i dont think i ever made progress to begin with. it was just a bandaid on the problem yknow id think "im shit, oh wait my gf loves me i guess im ok". who else do i have in my life????
relationship stuff dhdjfhdkd
i feel like an asshole for ever thinking i could be happy or that i might deserve it. and i know i shouldnt write things like that but i mean whats the point of trying to be happy when you realize nobody really cares about you? like it doesnt matter if internet ppl say nice things, in my day to day real world life, theres nobody. i talk to customers at work, i talk to my roommate sometimes if i see him, i visit my parents every other week. what a life.
relationship stuff dhdjfhdkd
i was trying to be rational but i wanted to allow myself to feel emotional & now ive swayed too far to that side. im gonna nap & see if i can clear my head but i imagine ill wake up and look at my empty room & be reminded of how empty my life really is & always has been