Millie @Atatra@computerfairi.es

right now the fact that i'm flying home with my wife in 17 days is what's keeping me together, two weeks and a few days and we're out of here and on our way back to our own bed and all our toys and hobbies and christmas presents, all the drinks and foods we like

"why don't you reach out to people and let them know how you feel" because i do, and i'm sick of that being the only time people talk to me, when i'm imposing on them, when i step into their space when they're busy, i'm tired of people not recopricating this and just, assuming i'm fine without them talking to me. i haven't had someone start a conversation with me other than my wife in a week, maybe more. it starts to hurt a lot

nothing like a bunch of people posting about 'things to do while we're all snowed in' or articles about winter activities because obviously everyone is right now to make me feel homesick and displaced and forgotten. i keep coming back to the fact that apart from three group chats on discord where other people regularly talk to eachother, i haven't recieved a direct message in a week, and it's so obvious just how unimportant i am in most people's lives

that stifling feeling when every instinct tells you to self harm for attention, but the only person who would notice is someone you love, someone who already knows, nobody else cares, nobody else would bat an eye, what do i gain from crying for attention to any empty room

nothing about my body works, nothing about it is right, i'm too big and too wide and slow and everything hurts, i buy sex toys and lingerie and i feel like a carbon copy of the 'man in a dress' jokes in old movies, and this is only going to get read by one person who already knows how much it hurts, i don't know why i'm writing this but it needs to be somewhere other than my head

"hey millie are you a top or a bottom? dom or sub?" well in theory i'm a switch and a verse, thanks for asking, but in practice it hurts to masturbate due to hrt and disability, and there is precisely one person on the planet who is attracted to me and even then i don't feel worthy of that attention, so just put me down as N/A

currently in that fascinating, painful intersection of bottom dysphoria, weight dysmorphia, and disability frustration where it feels like my body is the equivilent of that junk pc built from all the old, thrown out parts that people didn't want anymore, and everyone keeps promising that eventually they'll upgrade and i'll get yet another round of second handed stuff. hope someday i have a body i actually want to wake up in

#ditherinator

#ditherinator

#ditherinator

#ditherinator