Depression
Well… if I am on the autism spectrum, as I suspect, then it explains why I never fit in anywhere. And it also kind of dashes my hopes of *ever* fitting in anywhere too.
Depression
I don't think I'm mean or rude or anything. I've experienced a lot of unkindness so I try not to be unkind to others. But I guess I'm also kind of weird and awkward no matter how hard I try not to be. I have a few friends but I'm very disconnected from them, especially since the baby was born. My relationships have become one-sided as I've shut myself off more and more.
Depression
I know I have a tendency to take over conversations so I've just… not been talking about myself at all. I don't want to butt in at an inappropriate moment, or take over, or make something all about me, so I just… listen and be supportive and shut myself away.
Depression
I'm sure for some people it's easy to manage the reciprocity but I just… can't get it right. I don't know how to talk to people.
Depression
@Tarale understanding yourself better makes it easier to find places where you fit in, IME - even if that might never look the same as it would for an average neurotypical person. it can feel like it sometimes, but being "weird and awkward" isn't automatically a dealbreaker everywhere!
Depression
@isha Yeah, that's one reason I'm considering perhaps getting a diagnosis: access to resources and spaces that I don't currently have.
I'm too old for any of this to have been picked up in childhood and it wasn't until someone described a meltdown that I was like… "hang on a minute". I still don't really know, but I'm looking into it. It certainly would explain a lot. I guess I'm just going through a lot of complicated and messed up feelings about it.
Depression
I don't mean to, but I obviously put people off, so that explains a lot of… things. And when I feel the slightest bit of social rejection I go and self-isolate so that doesn't help. And it's probably going to just keep happening.