currently on cybre.space @maunzikation@computerfairi.es

@Mephitidae @Firstaide That also means that I'm very emotionally moved when people use the right name, pronoun or in some other way don't misgender me.

However, in situations in which I'm used to this good feeling, it hurts even more when the opposite happens. That's not terrible. Hurting people by accident happens, I know that. But well, it still feels bad. It doesn't mean that the other person shouldn't have talked to me at all!

@Firstaide @Mephitidae personally, I'm in a situation in which basically nobody can just guess the right way to refer to me. I have to tell people explicitly, and even then, of course, mistakes as well as just not caring happen. So, over all, I am referred to in a wrong way more often than not. I'm used to it and I can't change it, but it still hurts. That's just the way it is.

@Mephitidae but it means that things are complicated, and that it's necessary to be pay some extra attention to stuff and try to act in a way that minimises possible harm.

@Mephitidae And the preference itself can be just as much shaped by this (cissexist) society as everything else. So… cissexism is definitely involved in the whole situation. Then again, you can't avoid cissexism. Even trans people can be and often are cissexist. Being cissexist doesn't make someone a bad person,

@Mephitidae It's just a super delicate situation that goes beyond a simple "I don't like dick".

So… saying "I shouldn't have to date someone who's intimates I don't like" is in a way true, but at the same time, it really doesn't do these topics justice. This is about pretty personal stuff, for you, and even more for the other person. And yes, a lot about the way of dealing with it can be cissexist.

@Mephitidae There is no guide to telling someone that you're not into them because of their genitals. It is almost always going to hurt (like all rejections, but even more because of all the stuff around it), and it is always going to be linked to in this cissexist idea of what women should look like and who is desirable. Even if your personal reasons are totally different!

@Mephitidae and used this as a legal defense, that, in some cases, was accepted as a justification for this kind of violence.

So, in a situation in which you fall in love with a girl and find out that she does not have your preferred intimate figuration, there are very very bad real world examples of how you could react. You obviously don't do that, but the context is there.

@Mephitidae But how are you communicating this? If you are stating it as a "no x no y" thing on your dating profile, that's obviously not cool in these cases.

Additionally, in the case of not wanting to date trans women, there is the whole "trans panic defense" thing. It refers to cases where (afaik so far only) men murdered or severely injured a woman they were going to have sex with when they found out that she was trans,

@Mephitidae like "my living situation doesn't have enough privacy for sex, so sex is only going to happen if you have your own flat". Some however, like not wanting to date fat people or not wanting to date trans women or not wanting to date black people, follow along the lines of general oppression, and are very likely to be shaped by that. So… you might not be into one single person, and that's okay. You don't have to be into any specific person.

@Mephitidae It follows a cissexist simplification to assume that one knows everything about trans people and the way their bodies look and the way they have sex. There is always more to learn.

But more knowledge doesn't have to change one's preference. There are many reasons not to be into somebody or not to want to date somebody. Some of them are pretty harmless,

@Mephitidae There's a level of knowledge about trans people to it: not all trans people or even all trans women have dicks, so trans == dick is a wrong assumption. Additionally, simplified assumptions about the way trans people have sex could be involved. See https://www.autostraddle.com/mira-bellwether-author-and-illustrator-of-fucking-trans-women-zine-the-autostraddle-interview/if interested in that.

@Mephitidae I don't really want to watch a video now, so I can't talk about that directly.

[long answer, sorry! but this is not a simple topic.]

As for liking dick or not liking dick in general: I think it depends a lot on the context in which one talks about this preference, and the way one presents it.

@Mephitidae

I definitely hate this structure, and I hate it when people support it, so idk, that might look like hating cis people to some.

Hope that hepls! I'm not really in the mood for discussion today, but if something isn't clear, feel free to ask.

@Mephitidae

– I don't hate cis people. I don't know if it seems that way, and if it does, why it does. If I'm upset with something trans-related that a cis person does, I'm very likely to mention that they are cis, because it is relevant to the situation. I might also generalise about my experiences as a trans person in a cissexist society, a society that favours cis-ness.

@Mephitidae

Just keep in mind that while making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person, your mistakes can still hurt someone, and being hurt will definitely shape their reaction. You can practice using someone's new pronouns more easily by coming up with example sentences in your mind or writing them down, that takes away the pressure of doing the right thing in front of the person who will be affected.

@Mephitidae

– I have no idea about Canadian law or the way it is enforced.

– I mean, nobody can force you to use the correct pronouns. But if you know someone's pronouns, why would you use different ones on purpose? That is just extremely rude and shows the other person that you value your idea of who they should be over who they actually are. Mistakes happen, they are ok.

@Mephitidae ok, so my answers would be:

– you don't have to date any specific person. but if you say that you don't want to date a trans person, no matter your intentions, that is most likely because you have learned of cissexist standards of who is desirable. that doesn't mean that you should force yourself to date a trans person, because that wouldn't be fun for either of you. just acknowledge that personal taste can be shaped by social shit.

@necrosis@witches.town dürfen auf jeden Fall, ist ja deine Zeit. Wenn du glaubst, dass es gut wäre, go for it. Falls du zweifelst, ob sie damit gut umgeht, könntest du aber auch erst zu einer Trans-Beratung oder so, um mal drüber zu reden, ohne dass es gleich was mit deiner Therapeutin, die du für noch was anderes brauchst, riskiert.