currently on cybre.space @maunzikation@computerfairi.es

Mood: *forgets to move*

Oh, also "Lesbian & Bi Women Fairy Books"
https://www.goodreads.com/list/show/103267.Lesbian_Bi_Women_Fairy_Books

Did you know that a Queer Mermaids list exists on Goodreads https://www.goodreads.com/list/show/101767.Queer_mermaids_

I really like this fact.

Btw, did you know that The Aromantic and Asexual Speculative Fiction Database exists: http://claudiearseneault.com/?page_id=1320

I really want to read Viral Airwaves by Claudie Arsenault (http://claudiearseneault.com/?page_id=936) next, but I'm not in a reading mood right now. I'm not finishing any books I have started, and I don't really want to start reading a new book either, I just want to… have the result of reading it in my brain?

My favourite thing I ever found there is this pin, "I'm living an 'and' life in an 'either/or' world".
https://www.digitaltransgenderarchive.net/files/1831cj94h

(Bonus: It's in the current genderqueer pride colours, probably like 15 years before Marilyn Roxie came up with the flag we all know.) https://computerfairi.es/media/nEYr6wsgbHRhg_46YJs

Today, I learned that "Gender Euphoria" was the name of some trans newsletter (printed on paper) in the 80s and 90s. https://www.digitaltransgenderarchive.net/catalog?f%5Bdta_other_subject_ssim%5D%5B%5D=Gender+Euphoria

I love the Digital Transgender Archive.

@Mephitidae sure, good night!

Yeah, dealing with accessibility as well as ableist structures in queer spaces is another huge thing. And I'm sorry for not explaining it well, or in a way that works for you.

Keep in mind, however, that trans (and/including nonbinary) autistic people exist :) These things are not mutually exclusive. (Maybe reading about their experiences could actually be helpful for you? Idk.)

@Firstaide @Mephitidae For me, it is a lot about the way these mistakes are handled.

My favourite way, that can even reduce the ouch to almost zero, is this: Say "sorry", repeat your sentence with the correct word (or just say the right word by itself), and continue the conversation.

For me, both ignoring the mistake completely and making a big deal out of it (wordy apologies/justifications etc) make things awkward, so this is perfect.

@Mephitidae @Firstaide That also means that I'm very emotionally moved when people use the right name, pronoun or in some other way don't misgender me.

However, in situations in which I'm used to this good feeling, it hurts even more when the opposite happens. That's not terrible. Hurting people by accident happens, I know that. But well, it still feels bad. It doesn't mean that the other person shouldn't have talked to me at all!

@Firstaide @Mephitidae personally, I'm in a situation in which basically nobody can just guess the right way to refer to me. I have to tell people explicitly, and even then, of course, mistakes as well as just not caring happen. So, over all, I am referred to in a wrong way more often than not. I'm used to it and I can't change it, but it still hurts. That's just the way it is.

@Mephitidae but it means that things are complicated, and that it's necessary to be pay some extra attention to stuff and try to act in a way that minimises possible harm.

@Mephitidae And the preference itself can be just as much shaped by this (cissexist) society as everything else. So… cissexism is definitely involved in the whole situation. Then again, you can't avoid cissexism. Even trans people can be and often are cissexist. Being cissexist doesn't make someone a bad person,

@Mephitidae It's just a super delicate situation that goes beyond a simple "I don't like dick".

So… saying "I shouldn't have to date someone who's intimates I don't like" is in a way true, but at the same time, it really doesn't do these topics justice. This is about pretty personal stuff, for you, and even more for the other person. And yes, a lot about the way of dealing with it can be cissexist.

@Mephitidae There is no guide to telling someone that you're not into them because of their genitals. It is almost always going to hurt (like all rejections, but even more because of all the stuff around it), and it is always going to be linked to in this cissexist idea of what women should look like and who is desirable. Even if your personal reasons are totally different!

@Mephitidae and used this as a legal defense, that, in some cases, was accepted as a justification for this kind of violence.

So, in a situation in which you fall in love with a girl and find out that she does not have your preferred intimate figuration, there are very very bad real world examples of how you could react. You obviously don't do that, but the context is there.

@Mephitidae But how are you communicating this? If you are stating it as a "no x no y" thing on your dating profile, that's obviously not cool in these cases.

Additionally, in the case of not wanting to date trans women, there is the whole "trans panic defense" thing. It refers to cases where (afaik so far only) men murdered or severely injured a woman they were going to have sex with when they found out that she was trans,

@Mephitidae like "my living situation doesn't have enough privacy for sex, so sex is only going to happen if you have your own flat". Some however, like not wanting to date fat people or not wanting to date trans women or not wanting to date black people, follow along the lines of general oppression, and are very likely to be shaped by that. So… you might not be into one single person, and that's okay. You don't have to be into any specific person.

@Mephitidae It follows a cissexist simplification to assume that one knows everything about trans people and the way their bodies look and the way they have sex. There is always more to learn.

But more knowledge doesn't have to change one's preference. There are many reasons not to be into somebody or not to want to date somebody. Some of them are pretty harmless,