Harp the Wigglytuff @wigglytuffitout@computerfairi.es

me: hey, brain, it'd be useful if we could remember things like our social security number, or which way is left

my brain: no can do, i'm busy remembering other stuff

me: ...like?

my brain: like how stalin got sent to the gulag for shit cosplay, and how the cantina band in star wars plays jizz music!

me: ....

my brain: so i'm afraid you're going to just have to continue looking at your hands to do the L-for-left thing so that we don't lose any NECESSARY INFORMATION

@anna although this is clearly nonsense, i... think i may actually know what this person may be attempting to refer to.

the fact that i possess that knowledge somewhat shames and horrifies me.

(when he was a young poet-writing thug, stalin got cornered by police and tried to pass himself off as a little old lady to get out in disguise.) (but he didn't want to shave his sweet mustache.) (so he got caught.) (...it was pretty obviously a shitty disguise and not gender politics tho)

i realize in all of that ranting, as a white cishet girl, i have it amazingly better than many, many, many other people. others have to deal with more multiplicative minority statuses, and so on, and so on.

but still.

fuck.

real lonely bitch hours is now y'all

and i guess it's just hard to manage that and the desire to be seen as a whole person, and to be *loved* as a whole person.

i just want to someday be loved for my gestalt entity, for the sum of my parts, not just for one facet.

and i am really tired of the overwhelmingly cishet male gaze that views me as only worth talking to for that one aspect, and the rest of my entire self as wholly expendable and ready to be discarded.

this is aside from how many of these fetishes for fat people seem to depend on those negative connotations. people are into it because of the *shame* of sleeping with someone like me. because someone like me is *slovenly*. because someone like me is *disgusting*. because loving someone who looks like me is inherently *humiliating*.

so stuff like that ends up being so often a roller coaster of beginnings of hope and then me getting smashed right back down again.

i'm sexually attractive, but only if i can play up someone's gluttony and feeder fetish. i'm sexy, but only because they can pretend it's inflation porn and take photoshop to my tits to make them into balloons. i'm wanted, but only for one aspect of myself. and no more.

i realize this is something that a lot of women are far more used to. they've had since middle school to develop how to cope.

but if you're fat, you become invisible and off the market in many respects in daily life.

i still don't know what to do with the idea of potentially being sexually attractive to someone. i REALLY don't know what to do with the idea of being somebody's fetish fulfillment.

i know it varies widely but damn, i feel this.

it is why porn of fat women is such a minefield.

i just want women to be shown as beautiful and desirable *and also be fat*.

instead, i get a lot of specific fetishes. inflation. feeding. so on.

and it's... so easy to feel disrespected by that. if i am nothing more than a fulfillment of a fetish to someone, they have no incentive to relate to me as a human being.

i know as a cishet woman, i get off so lightly compared to many, many, many, many others

but as somebody who is fat

" my 'true' self is going to be constantly caught up in the barbed wire of porn"

caught up in the barbed wire of porn. oof. OOF. that is a PHRASE and a HALF. that CUTS TO THE FUCKING QUICK OF THE MATTER, DOESN'T IT.

@maple damn this is a good thread and well worth the read

an accurate summary of my #spoonie health:

last night i tried to massage a trigger point to get a shoulder in my muscle to release

i succeeded... but

it tensed back up in about 15 minutes, and now my opposite shoulder is thrown completely out of whack because of the effort i had to put in reaching over to try and mash stuff

bring on the prequel memes i guess. http://pa1.narvii.com/6776/dd633f4392546549f7ee33616de0aab8fa7b2689_00.gif

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mrde2_6gKdE *casually bops*

it's time to write more of this utter bullshit nonsense i think

@gazimoff big agree. i know that gpose in ffxiv is above and beyond, but i'm now very spoiled by it! i hope more games, especially multiplayer ones, will hurry up and realize a camera mode is relatively easy for them to include (i would imagine a lot of games have them already made in the developer toolkit for taking promotional stills, etc) and has a huge payoff (you basically get players to turn into a PR/marketing department for you, very willingly).

@maple (JC voice) yeah it's called taking a self-care break,

however i would be happy to replace this with the return of the psychic who is in love with my grandfather's ghost, making a reprise.

because listen. that is infinitely more hilarious. *infinitely.*

i am very ready for that side of the family and people being shitbags in the aftermath of my cousin's death to simmer down. maybe in the coming months i can replace that with the drama that seems to be rising once more on the other side of my family.

because the fate of preemie twins after a death, with promises being made and then broken and attempts to drive my aunt into suicide, is some bullshit and i'm ready to be done with it.

@drifa OH MY GOSH THOSE ARE SO CUTE AAAAA (where did you get them if you don't mind me asking)