Harp the Wigglytuff @wigglytuffitout@computerfairi.es

obi-wan: AND YOU ATE IT?????????!!!!!!!!

anakin: duh yeah it was a twinkie

obi-wan BUT IT WAS OUT OF DATE

anakin: lmao those labels never mean anything bro it was fine

obi-wan: ANAKIN IT WAS OUT OF DATE *BEFORE YOU WERE BORN*!!! WHAT THE F U C K

anakin: like maybe a little stale but like, it's a twinkie, so who can tell lmfao. still good!

obi-wan: OH

obi-wan: MY

obi-wan: G O D

force qui-gon jinn: (distant ghostly laughing)

anyway with that angst sorted pls imagine this, The Office style:

obi-wan: i wouldn't say i'm a trendy dieter, no, but i do try to make some effort to be health-conscious, you know, you get out what you put in, and it pays to find those clean eating options, so things like this kale and quinoa salad --

anakin, distantly, mouth full: LOL THIS TWINKIE'S OLDER THAN YOU ARE OBI-WAN

obi-wan: Oh

obi-wan: My God

"harp, was that an extended trip into angst and you telling people how the jedi order let anakin skywalker down, just so you can tie it into how in your shitty fic a de-suited vader's first action on the grimy lower streets of coruscant is to find the most-failing-health-inspections kebab van and shove a dubious gyro in his face?"

i mean

....yes,

but also anakin skywalker cannot be understood as anything other than a former slave and the jedi order let him down and wait where are you going--

(and so now you know why the first chapters of masquerade are vader standing up trembling and going -

"oh fuck, i don't have my support network"

and after the horror

comes all the *excitement*, comes the *thrill*

"i don't have them anymore! I DON'T HAVE THEM ANYMORE!"

because the tame dog can remember what it was like to hunt once he slips his lead and is in the woods far away from the master who kicks him.)

and in the empire

he forgot.

it was just one more way anakin skywalker forgot himself.

a tamed dog forgets how to hunt. he might chase down a squirrel for fun, but he doesn't know how to hunt caribou. why should he? he knows dinner is what his master puts in his bowl.

the tamed dog sometimes is forced to forget, even, because its master wants it compliant.

the emperor knows pain makes a good leash. and hunger is pain.

it took anakin much later to notice how often that food was exclusively for him, and how his mother was quick to say she just wasn't hungry

sure, the jedi order reassured him that there would always be food

sure, obi-wan reassured him that there would always be food

(if, the unstated statement went on, if he was good)

but anakin knew better

he always did.

his mother had been the one he'd grown up seeing making food stashes

for a long while it seemed miraculous how his mother always seemed to be able to pull something out of thin air, from some hidden place, when he was hungry

maybe it was stale, or tasted a bit funny, or you cut away the mold, but it was food

anakin, being a pretty fucking savvy ex-slave, knew that kind of talk

the jedi didn't remind him of slavers all the time, but it was very much an echo of a troydarian gripe that he shouldn't have to worry about food, it would be provided -

IF he and his mother did their jobs

IF.

and if they didn't, well...

but

as per usual for the jedi order

nobody went "hm, d'you think this former slave kid's deep-rooted food insecurity might be a sign of any larger mental struggles he has?"

there were some vague assurances that the jedi always feed their own, with some frustrated light shaming that anakin would even worry (fear leads to the dark side you know!) about something so trivial

but that was it

said lunchlady also at least noticed that anakin wasn't stealing, but rather sifting through garbage, etc. for these extra snacks, and while not persuading him to just ask for more, did at least start making it a lot easier on him to grab the just-barely-out-of-date nutrition bars etc. as they supposedly went out in the trash

of course, obi-wan and others in the jedi order largely dismissed it as "teenage boy going through one fuck of a growth spurt" because, well, when you're growing to "pretty good pick for the basketball team" height, that happens

one of the lunchroom ladies at the jedi temple fussed at obi-wan shaming him for not feeding his padawan enough, and that was about as close to the problem as anyone ever came to addressing it

anakin skywalker as a padawan was remarkably good at keeping secret food stashes

this eventually only came to light because obi-wan was thinking he was just staying up late at night to eat (no he was doing other shit like tinkering with mechanics and happened to be hungry) and/or obi-wan got frustrated at the messy state of his padawan's room and went WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN KEEPING ALL OF THESE TWINKIES????????

if they REALLY wanted to cater to me, crossover episode where Ruth Goodman comes in from the latest historical farm series to eagerly talk about whatever bits and bobs of domestic history have been unearthed and brought forward for presentation

WHAT'S THAT? A CLOTHES MANGLE? EXCELLENT! TELL ME MORE

pawn stars is just the gateway drug for antiques roadshow tbh

no lie my perfect show would be a combination of the two. no haggling, no selling, no wacky subplots feat. chumlee, but higher production values and the reoccurring rolodex of experts.

"harp, do you just want a show where the Beard of Knowledge talks about random things?"

absolutely yes.

@Sapphicgiraffic@snouts.online ok but also: Antiques Road Show and chill?

i need some sort of tiny spatula so i can scrape out the clots that i KNOW are up ins but have not yet blorped their way out. i know they're there because i can feel them. and they kinda itch

will no-one rid me of this troublesome uterus

ordered in dinner and they got my order wrong but not wrong enough to call and complain and get a new sammich delivered.

:<

@alchemy ALWAYS <3