Harp the Wigglytuff @wigglytuffitout@computerfairi.es

sidon, leaning in real close to the mic, wearing sunglasses, at a press conference: i got two hylians i'm dating. i got two hemipenes. the math checks out. thank you i will not be taking any questions at this time

zelda: don't worry everyone, i've done the math, it does indeed check out after thorough study

link: *mutely gives a thumbs-up*

sidon: ...................sis you're sounding almost like you expect me to date them just to look after them

mipha: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SIDON, PLEASE, DATE BOTH THE HYLIANS. SOMEONE NEEDS TO MAKE SURE THEY SURVIVE OUT THERE.

(and thus, ladies and gentlebeings, it's an ot3.)

mipha: and who is currently sobbing in a closet somewhere because it's been so long since she had a physical body to inhabit that she feels like she's pretending and doesn't know how to cope, but is currently considering starting breakfast with like half a bottle of brandy because it's the best idea she's got right now despite her intelligence thus making her feel like more of a failure? that zelda? >

mipha: and you mean princess zelda, like zelda who also has sort of always expected to be dead at this point in time and also blames the ruin of her kingdom on herself by her lifelong struggles with inadequacy, who spent the last hundred years tangling mano-a-mano with the big bad in psychic combat after seeing everyone she cared for die or be as good as dead, >

mipha: the one who says at most three words per day and growled at you three days ago because you woke him up too early, yet somehow managed to spend his months training carefully penning a last will and testament because he was so sure calamity ganon was going to kill him? that link?

sidon: ooer,

mipha: you're talking about link, as in the hylian who has spent the last months of training just assured that he's going to die in the final battle, because he blames the state of the kingdom on his failure, and is currently held together with duct tape and healing potions while also waking up screaming from nightmares like regular clockwork and has gone semi-feral due to running around alone and is a general mess?

please consider the following.

sidon: ...yeah but, isn't it selfish of me to date both of them at the same time? i mean you've gotta be pissed about it even though you're a ghost, right, sis?

mipha: let me get this straight, sidon, my dear little brother. >

every time janine's freckles are visible in a cutscene, an angel gets its wings

cw for eye contact and also maybe spoilers for end of stormblood if, like, you consider the texture of the floor here a spoiler

the real #ffxiv experience is

that "no fear" > "one fear" t-shirt comic, but the dude in the middle panel is wearing this

so i'm spending the day before shadowbringers going and doing the story versions of the omega raids

it's going well, as you can see,

so i feel like we need to be making a lot of jokes about how with Shadowbringers, #ffxiv finally is a perfect example of a JRPG. consider this checklist of essential qualities:

✅ you can have gravity-and-hairgel defying hairdos

✅ you can have impractical and impossible clothing as daily wear

✅ you can go fishing (as hypothesized by Y. Taro, 2017)

✅ you can kill god

i mean i don't honestly think some nefarious shit is afoot*

just that, like, optics, dudes. maybe don't put the two topics quiiiiiite so close in ways that the pigs would want to sniff out. look up dad's army and say it's for your historical ww2 rp or something eh

*i like to believe against hope that any agents attempting this would at least be smart enough to use a fucking bit.ly link or someshit

"learn sabotage techniques to fight ICE!"

>link

>link goes to a pdf on cia.gov

listen i ain't got a computer running linux and i still got a facebook account but honey as stupid as i am about this here intrey-nets i'm thinkin' maybe we don't learn how to fight one bit of the guv'mint by goin' to sweetly ask another bit of the guv'mint how to do it so you mosey that link right along partner

how i can tell the evening pain meds have kicked the fuck in:

just spent 15 seconds staring at a cw wondering why somebody was being really mad at frozen water maybe it melted and watered down their diet coke i mean that's pretty bad??? before i went OH WAIT

i read the article about the stonewall opera and i went "surely they didn't" And Yet They Did

how.. do you even... get... it.... that... wrong......

this man is sizing you up to fuck you like he fucks his golf bag full of swords.

so the pictures showing the new alt costume for Zenos in Dissidia look extremely like this is a dating sim and Zenos just got introduced as a new potential love interest

not quite sure who Prince Sidon is yet but i'm starting to think he's being played by paper-shark-mask-wearing version of Luke Skywalker in the mass effect crossover i'm writing: good-hearted, enthusiastic, near-universally beloved, doesn't know what is going on but will cheer you on anyway, but DOES know JUST ENOUGH to be deeply concerned about what is happening

ok admittedly the second one is leaning heavy on my headcanons of Corvo skidding into the end of the game looking like he's gone through a meat grinder, but also being unwilling to let Emily leave his field of vision for the next decade, even if this results in the immediate aftermath of the end of the game being a whole lot of "mr attano please you're held together with prayers and duct tape will you at LEAST sit down" "Absolutely not."