Emily @nachobra@computerfairi.es

i dont wanna keep treating this like a fuckin journal i dont wanna talk to anyone i feel weak & pathetic because feeling sad & being vulnerable is weakness i keep trying to be happy & fake it til i make it but i feel like im undoing all the progress ive made wrt mental health whatever i mean just fuck everything forever

@lizardsquid 💚 i just wanna believe that im a person worth loving

ok my heads a little clearer now that the initial shock has worn off. i think im gonna be ok. sorry to use yr fine mastodon instance for venting i just really needed to get that all out

i was trying to be rational but i wanted to allow myself to feel emotional & now ive swayed too far to that side. im gonna nap & see if i can clear my head but i imagine ill wake up and look at my empty room & be reminded of how empty my life really is & always has been

i feel like an asshole for ever thinking i could be happy or that i might deserve it. and i know i shouldnt write things like that but i mean whats the point of trying to be happy when you realize nobody really cares about you? like it doesnt matter if internet ppl say nice things, in my day to day real world life, theres nobody. i talk to customers at work, i talk to my roommate sometimes if i see him, i visit my parents every other week. what a life.

im imagining myself doing what i did before, going out to meetups & concerts. but it was always someone else who approached me. *i* never took the risk, i never initiated anything because yknow why would anyone want me talking to them ew go away fuck off do not bother me. yknow i dont think i ever made progress to begin with. it was just a bandaid on the problem yknow id think "im shit, oh wait my gf loves me i guess im ok". who else do i have in my life????

but what if i CANT ever be loved again? yknow it feels like an accident that i ever found myself in a relationship anyway, yknow how could someone with as little social skills as me actually attract somebody? i thought i had conquered that but in the span of about an hour i just backslid 20 miles all the way to where i started

its tempting to just call myself a stupid unlovable piece of shit who nobody wants around. its so fucking tempting, especially thinking of other trans women who have happy long term relationships, or like, have had more than one fucking relationship in their life because theyre not antisocial dickwadsfhdjd just stop it i do not want to go down that fucking road

gf broke up with me 2day, dont wanna give details but it wasnt anything bad. im just sitting here realizing that i put all my self worth in the hands of one person & now im trying not to fall apart. i dont wanna ring in 2018 by letting depression take hold of my life again, but it just really hurts

and i feel so phony im constantly looking thru my tumblr trying to contextualize it within the "repressed tranz" narrative bc i feel like anyone who knew me beforehand would react like "oh now "she" thinks "shes" trans? im sure shes telling the truth 😒" i feel so disconnected from what i perceive as Real, Legitimate trans women, i dont believe in transtrenders except when it helps to make me feel shitty

most nights i gotta just blast video games & youtube videos to completely overstimulate my brain because i dont want a quiet moment to remember my ugly face

hap year. i always find myself coming here when im in the midst of dysphoria i guess out of a need for ppl who understand & even though i feel like theres so much i need to say i cant find the words. i still carry so much goddamn shame, im ashamed for wanting to be a girl im ashamed for not being trans enough im ashamed for being here & existing this way

im feeling better 2day so better in fact that heres a pic of me right now! approximately!!
https://computerfairi.es/media/GaDFxW7Uqr6Ipcs9NUM

@squirrel oooomg erin i love this!!! youve gotten so good at drawin' im just !!!!! !!! 💜💜💜

hey why cant i be a cute girl 🔪🔪🔪🔪🛀🏻🔌⚡️⚡️🌊⚰️ i cant look at ppls selfies without wanting to die fyytfdghhhhhfdfyg

i guess im better now i showered & said kind things to myself

im like just gritting my teeth trying to be calm & not explode & just break things

goddd im so worried about slipping back into a depressive cycle i just cant look at myself without obsessing over how disgusting my face is

idk my mental healths improved the past few months re: depression but yknow turns out i can still be sad & a crap. i cant wait to go togroup therapy tomorrow & have nobody connect with what i say

its 1:30am im crashing from a ritalin high & ive been having the worst dysphoria about my face i just hate it its so wrong & i just remembered i have this app & i just need to know somebody somewhere understands these feelings