Harp the Wigglytuff @wigglytuffitout@computerfairi.es

@guinan@tenforward.social whelp y'all it's fucking canon now, you heard the lady

the tribble episode is probably guinan having to fight rumors that she's making moonshine from all the excess tribbles happening everywhere as tribbles typically do

whether this is true or not will be left. .........unclear. but hey the customers weirded out by it come back so

the special that has become a permanent menu item is "the picard day special: tea, earl grey, hot, with enough rum in it to deal with whatever bullshit is happening today" (aka rum, neat, with a tiny droplet of tea carefully applied to the top by pipette)

also tribbles happen at some point, because they are the best part of star trek sorry it's just facts

new star trek tng spinoff series idea:

guinan

it's just guinan chilling in ten forward, solving people's problems for them, and inventing sometimes-topical new cocktails (today's special: "the warrior's drink", prune juice with a floating layer of jagermeister, which is set on flame before you drink it)

@InspectorCaracal of course the serious part of the episode gets to be riker confronting some internalized misogyny/idea that he could never be victim of sexual harassment

but it's mostly troi trying to be all "no no you're right it's a very serious thing and that is starfleet protocol i just - i just need a SNRK - a momeeAHAHAHA"

guinan gets in at least thirty good quips about it, probably rapid-fire, while setting Data straight

@InspectorCaracal picard gives riker a friendly pat on the shoulder and data is IMMEDIATELY THERE with a trauma blanket, kind words from the approved starfleet script, and the memorized com number of starfleet human resources confidential reporting line. riker does not live this down for MONTHS

troi tries not to laugh and only succeeds in staying mostly quiet but does end up rolling straight out of her chair doing that silent "too funny to breathe" wheezing

@InspectorCaracal @troubleMoney I KNOW RIGHT????

like... if you get a fertilized egg, you know. You Know! it is Not Subtle!!!! i don't know how anyone could like... get through 5th grade biology/sex ed and look at an egg and go "yes. this is definitely something that contains a whole entire baby chicken"

PROBABLY NO COINCIDENCE THE ONLY FOLKS I'VE HEARD TRY THAT ARE CIS DUDES

@InspectorCaracal alternatively:

if data has uploaded starfleet_sexual_harassment_seminar.dll, he's the one going around assuming that everyone else is getting sexually assaulted for a bit

the guidelines get updated with more experience but picard cries/troi nearly laughs herself sick at some points

@InspectorCaracal oh

oh NO

...bless her heart

@Louisa being a bit piratical when you say it, e.g. "me fucko" instead of "me hearty", is optional but *highly* recommended

but honestly this type is also the sort to accuse you of eating a baby every breakfast because you had scrambled eggs

and not be talking about the cost of factory-farmed laying hens etc etc

nope they just freak out because egg must equate to cute baby chicken, and refuse to think any more on the subject, while directing all their ire at *you* because you got a boiled egg in your lunch

...it's some of the most city slicker bullshit i think i've ever heard

similarly, if it's shocking that chicken is chicken, i'm not gonna trust in that dude's in-depth critiques of any farming system since he apparently just realized farms existed like two days ago

and i know with great surety that due to privilege, he's not bothered to learn anything about cooking beyond the superficial

because wtf did you think the giblets came from in your chicken roast, eh? that they make harvest vegan chicken hearts and put them in there for kicks?

there's a certain type of evangelical vegan i am very tired of - the one who is genuinely shocked that meat is critters and thinks that's a secret that has been kept from people and all they need to know to change their minds

there is definitely stuff that gets lost in factory farming, and having it all processed - but also -

bruh? if you are surprised about what chicken is and you're over the age of 12? that's kinda on you

@lynnesbian i would tease but honestly, my dad has started his day with a cola for the last, uh.... christ. i want to say 40-odd years. so i think it's a bit glass houses and all that given the family in which i have been born

we did get him to go from breakfast always being "coke and two choc chip cookies" to "coke and poptart" to now "coke and cheese n' crackers" which is like... some sort of attempt at incremental healthiness, i suppose

the real lesson i learned at college is that if you just kick out the guy who's going to invent coca-cola after he flunks all his classes, you too can be absolutely rolling in filthy lucre!

Thanks, Emory!

on one hand, as an emory grad, i feel like i should be making a lot more of my regular "sorry, i'm contractually obligated to shill for coca-cola now due to my student loans" jokes

on the other hand, i'm pretty sure that i'd get cancelled for being an actual corporate shill when my aim is to just poke massive fun at my alma mater

@scribblefrog@glitterkitten.co.uk not much in terms of employers

but it's because i'm disabled so i instead worry about smiling too much in a facebook profile photo and having my benefits yanked because "if you can smile for 15 seconds you can work!!!1"

i think that it's good practice though to not cross the streams too much and have a "respectible" social media you can point to, for both employers, and for people like... idk my grandmother

seriously though the gene for processing folic acid that goes wacky in an estimated 40% of people is called

MTHFR

and like

i am just a simple wigglytuff.

how can i not call it the Samuel L. Jackson Motherfucker Gene.