family stuff (~)
the weirdest thing was that last weekend made me realize i kind of want my parents to know me. to have some kind of relationship. i am pretty sure they'd accept me? but i'm bad at saying it out loud. i want to control everything, like how they understand trans and nonbinary, to manage those expectations. and then to tell them i'm trying HRT? ahahah
hgrmff. happy coming out day to everyone, i'm especially not a fan of holidays but y'all can have it =3
self-care, exhaustion (~)
ooooomf. the past month took more out of me physically/socially/psychologically than i expected, and i haven't been recovering right, i've been stressing about everything.
hey tanuki: realize that the stress you feel is a product of your social/physical exhaustion, stop trying to do things, chill. no plans. no 12-hour workdays if you can help it.
hey everyone else: daaaaang i finally beat Dead Cells (first ending???) woo
formal clothes (+) nosy family (-)
good stuff: realizing I'm low-social and it wasn't just clothing-fueled dysphoria making me not want to deal with people in a formal setting.
bad stuff: people who I figured would Not Like my style asking me probing questions. getting assumed to be gay (not the fun expansive meaning of gay).
???? stuff: my dad says "tonight's a big night for you, isn't it?" without me having explained anything. I think he might be seeing me and it is so weird
re: parents, trans coming out (~/β )
for the first time since I moved out, I actually want to have a relationship with them. they're genuinely interesting, if maladapted, and something about that informs who I am. and I want to know what I missed.
parents, trans coming out (~/β )
I'm trying to just get to a point with my parents where I can say anything and like
my dad keeps talking over everyone and it's real hard to get a thought in without him talking about himself. hahahaha
I give myself permission to not do this today. to not do it tomorrow. I give myself permission to wait until i feel like I'm comfortable and they will listen. I give myself permission to not do it at all.
but
anyway this got me thinking about "i With A Star" or "i With A Heart" because it would be really good
like also what about "i With A Fox Face"
hrt, internal struggle (+) followup
appointment was great, with my therapist basically facilitating a space where we could really share some feelings. and we did til we felt stopping. we were exhausted after,
all these little plastic fences i put around my life get melted down again and again. who's rebuilding them? my brain
i like to talk about my brain like it's an independent thing because it's not a bastion of reason and intelligence, it's a reactionary organ of misguided overprotection
webcomic with triggering themes (+++)
i'm also reading Drop-Out (BIG HUGE CW FOR suicidal themes and childhood trauma http://drop-out.webcomic.ws)
and it is amazingly good, the author/artist is amazing and i don't know who they are. the expressions. the fact that one of the characters can have two different expressions at the same time is is is is is
it
aaaaaaa
anxiiiettyyyy, hrt (-)
bringing my partner to my gender therapist session tonight. we're on the same page about HRT, but she has concerns that she wants to talk through. and i want her to talk through! and we will have a voice of experience there. nothing about this isn't positive and Good
and i can do this, i know i can do this, but wow i have the biggest anxiety for literally no reason right now
hi my name is tanuki (they/them), i'm a tanuki. ace, diamoric, still unabashedly adoring fat people. enby af. that means nonbinary. it's a term i prefer.
building a gender out of scrap parts.
maybe you knew me before. if you have questions, just ask~