maple "mavica" syrup [6502] @mavica_again@computerfairi.es

i'm not furry enough to be part of the furry community. i'm not smart enough to be part of any retro tech community. i don't like stereotypes enough to be part of any trans community. i'm not good for anybody. my communities are not good enough to be anyone else's main home

please just tell me to kill myself and be over with all of this i will be doing you all a great favour

i don't know how to get people to talk to me anymore. i'm just a permanent fixture everybody expects to always be here but nobody cares enough to consider as a real person

i don't know how to make it any more clear. please. anyone. talk to me even if to tell me to kill myself and fuck off your life. the radio silence hurts more. you have my private contacts, you can dm me.

and watching everybody else have that online, every one of my mutuals be close-knit through places i'm not allowed in, hurts too much. i envy every single one of those interactions. does that make me toxic? good, less people to disappoint when i kill myself

i don't know how to make new friends anymore. i haven't made new friends or been part of communities since msn messenger. the last big ones i was forced to leave because of rape threats and harassment that went unmoderated. now i have no home on the internet and no friend circle

wouldn't*

i don't know what it feels like to have friends that aren't people i coerced into joining my communities because i would be allowed to join anyone else's. every time i mention this people go "oh that's so sad!" then nonchalantly walk away like i'm nuclear power plant waste

i don't want soft spoken words of empty comfort right now. i just want to be talked to normally like you're pretending i'm your friend. i want to feel for once like i have friends, not just people who put up with or around me. i want to feel what everyone else has always felt

just saying that unfollowing me during a suicidal episode super shows your true colours lol good riddance

i collect these as trophies at this point

SPEAK OF THE DEVIL ANOTHER ONE!! you folks are getting quick on that report button, kudos!!!!

if you want to keep reporting my posts to twitter about self-harm go ahead, they literally do not do anything other than assign you a random string as a case number that's not real and send you a boilerplate automated email, but it must make you feel like you're helping

it must be nice to have friends and support groups. i sincerely and honestly cannot in good conscience say i know what that feels like

i keep hearing about all these circles and friend groups adjacent to my mutuals in hushed tones. obviously no matter how much i beg for friends in not invited. my entire life i've just been an online curio people note only when it's convenient to them

i'm not a part of any communities. i tried to start my own because no communities want me around because i'm apparently too problematic and make literally every single person on the planet uncomfortable, but nobody else wants to be part of those communities either

i don't need to be harassed by kiwifarms to want to kill myself but god i wish they'd give me a good reason to

every time i try to reach out to any mutual i'm meet with cold shoulders because they have more important and interesting friends to talk to. i'm a burden, people avoid me. please, don't fucking ever tell me all i need to do is reach out. you're not really listening

even when i say i want to kill myself these days nobody reaches out anymore. i've cried wolf too many times. one day it'll just be one of those things that "i didn't think he could really do it" "people who actually do it never talk about it anyway"

fuck you.

i can't remember the last time i felt a hug. i can't remember the last time someone reached out to me without having to say that i want to kill myself. please dont take this personally: you don't care about me, that's not your job, and i just need to learn to live without friends