Sam the Octopus @troubleMoney@computerfairi.es

@squirrel if stackexchange is anything to go by, nobody else knows what they're doing either

@squirrel It sounds like a reasonable question to me, I just know sweet fuck-all about java

@squirrel what's most confusing is that if they're just going by the most spoken language in the entire continent they're still wrong

@mkosler well, octopus obviously

@ashkitten@dev.glitch.social as a placeholder you've got to put up an image of the space core from portal

@squirrel it really was, just the look on Gordon's face after he lost to a slightly drunk James May

@squirrel speaking of, my favourite James May moment is when he won a cooking contest against Gordon Ramsay

(he wrote "cock" in peas on the top of the fish pie)

Katie Hopkins has "left Mail Online by mutual consent" (read: been sacked)

Good, hopefully the sack of shit will now fade into obscurity

ATTENTION: Cyber Monday is now Cybre Bun Day

Please appreciate your local cybre bun

@HTHR@cybre.space bonus points if you put them on there in an obscure dialect so they have to spend a while deciphering it before they can read the punchlines

I am now full of chutneys, pickles, salami, and bread

@Elizafox Oh yeah, since you're Emperor now people'll be sending you petitions

Upside, you can issue edicts now!

Petition to @Elizafox Emperor of the US and Protector of Mexico

Whereas, the Web in its current state is barely usable on low-spec hardware, slow data connections, and low bandwidth caps

Understanding, that web developers seem unaware of the problem due to having good connections and high-end machines

Proposes, that all web developers are to have their Macbook Pros replaced by Raspberry Pi Zeroes and their WiFi with 56kbps modems until such time that they learn how to optimise their shit

@Elizafox Vague religious-sounding ramblings as the base of core decisions?

Yep, seems on-brand to me

@squirrel I'm pretty sure thinkpads are just magic

@Elizafox push that shit until it stops being funny to you

@Elizafox Fuck it, I'll treat it as legit, you are now officially the Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico as confirmed by some brit on the internet